November 12, 2009; Thursday
7:27pm; Church (my home sweetest home!)
Sometimes, when I think about how my life has been going on now, I realize how lucky, err, I mean blessed I am to have the greatest family ever, loveliest circles of friends, happiest batch of classmates and the nicest life ever! If I am to live life again, I’d still choose this. (Well, it could be so nice if in my next life, he’ll fall a little more madly in love over me.. hahaha.. just kiddin’..)
That’s my journal entry jus
t a day before I met a “majorly minor accident” November 13th of last year. Pardon me if it took me quite a while to write it all down here. I felt the ink in me running out (well, not totally..) after everything that happened. I was in shock for so many days (weeks, months maybe...); sometimes, I could still feel the same unsettling shock dominating me.
Well, let me first explain how things took place... How these started were of course just according to stories of my friends whom I’m with when this happened.. Nobody except the loving Father really knew perfectly how everything went out..
13th of November, 2009; minutes before 8am.. I left home and went to COE because we girls (English majors) were goin’ to watch Ma’am Vix’s demo. An entry in my journal backs this up.
November 13, 2009; Friday
06:50am; home
It’s Ma’am Vix’s demo today! Gotta watch and cheer her up!
I was on my way to COE (College of Education) when I saw Sarah. We sat in a bench near COE and we chatted. According to Sarah, we talked about how we anticipate the 2nd semester, Ma’am Vix’s demo and going to SPED, a guy whom I was talking to in the phone over the night and many more. She said she never had an idea that after the conversation, things will be different forever.
Belle came and the three of us went to COE. In there, we saw Ma’am Vix. She asked where the other girls are, told us to text them to come that very moment if they wanted to catch Ma’am Vix’s demo. According to Edu, another co-English major, I texted him telling him to bring his digital camera. I must be a photo-addict!
I went inside the faculty room and borrowed the key to the comfort room. From whom, I don’t know. So off to the CR, I went. Belle and Sarah were in the English Room that time. COE is really not that big and a single sound (like accidental dropping of a coke bottle, for instance) could be heard in the entire COE. Few minutes after I’ve gone to the CR, the girls heard a shrill from me. Immediately after hearing my pagtili, they went to see me. It took them less than 5seconds to do that. And this is what they saw. I was lying on the floor, pale and unconscious. The key was on the floor too, just near me. The door to the CR had been locked. I must have locked it up after using it. The rag in the CR doorstep wasn’t there but was placed in the other CR.
They tried to wake me up but I seem to be on deep slumber. How I wish I really was just sleeping that time. So they went to the faculty foom and seeked help from our instructors. Belle was asked to go to the main school building to look for medical attendants from the College of Allied Medical Studies. She also went to the Red Cross for assistance. So that makes the Red Cross staffs, the other deans and instructors from other colleges other than COE, students, bylookers, all looking at me. An ambulance was also by the corner (with its loud siren). So there it went, I made a commotion!
Through the Red Cross, I was brought to a public hospital where I laid unconscious in the Emergency Room for the next five hours.
Maybe because there were lots of emergencies
that day as I was not attended immediately. There were other patients, most of them in blood, and they seem to be treated first given their bloody appearance. Anyway, I was injected with a valum, of why, I don’t know.
At around 2 in the afternoon, I woke up from a nightmare and realized that I’m in an even distressing nightmare my life could ever have.
This was how it was when I woke up. I was lying on a bed in the room I later found out was the ER. My mom, dad, Tita Mia and some girls I don’t know were standing in my right. I can’t tell who were on the left side because I was not looking at that side. I just can’t. My head, the left part, was aching much that I can’t even move it. The pain was agonizing that I would have demanded for a doctor to check on me but I was too occupied with thinking over why I was at that place and what happened to me. There were lots of questions I wish to ask that time, but I was lost for words. The doctor came and asked me what happened. Funny because that was exactly the question i wanted to ask him. He examined my condition and immediately asked for CT-Scan. Minutes after, I was sent to the radiology room (or whatever they call it).
Apparently, even if I had undergone CT-Scan already, the pain hasn’t set off. In fact, it seemed to grow more severe. My dad requested for a pain reliever or anything that would ease the unexplainable throbbing in my brain. And guess what? I wasn’t given anything! Instead, I was advised by some insensitive nurses to take rest and wait for the neurologist. Again, I’m sorry to say this but I felt I wasn’t cared of that time. I was crying and complaining nonstop. My parents by that time, whose patience has snapped already, decided to transfer me to Ridon’s St. Jude Medical Hospital.
When we reached St. Jude, Dr. Monnette Juinio, the neurologist was waiting for me already. She looks nice and homey, I even thought she was just some visitor or another patient’s mom. Anyway, she’s the neurologist and to cut it short, she attended me at once. I was still in tears when she performed medical tests on me... simple routines like following the pointer, moving my hands and limbs, closing my eyes to her command, etc. She asked me nicely if I know what happened to me before that. In response, I cried. She asked me if I remember going to school that morning. In response, I cried. She asked for the last thing I remember myself doing. In response, I cried. She asked if I know the people around me that time. In response, I cried. She told me I might have lost the memory temporarily and it might come back after the shock has gone. In response, I cried. It seemed that time that all I could ever do was to cry in response to everything they say.
To properly monitor my condition, I was admitted to St. Jude. (2nd floor. Female Semi-Private.) For almost a week of being confined in the hospital, I felt feelings I know I’ll remember until forever. Everytime people visit me, I feel dumb for not knowing them. Whenever I see people cry because of me, I cry too, of longing for the unknown. Every video and photo that were shown to let me recall the past just added up to the feeling of stupidity. Whenever doctors and nurses come to my room, I ask them questions whose answers I know only I could provide. I feel dumb, I cry. I feel stupid, I cry. I feel senseless and shallow, I cry. I feel I am in vacuum, I cry. I can’t remember people and things, I cry. I know I’m hurting people, I cry. I had literally turned my eyes swollen and cried a river, maybe an ocean. Crying was and still is my escape. And what makes it worse is that after the tears had been dried, it erased no fact that I am at loss with my own life.
My condition is temporary amnesia. Something that is partial in manner. I can’t explain in medical terms but that’s the gist of it. The affected part is years 2007 up to that day, 13th of November 2009. However, I also lost in random order some parts of latter years before that. Generally, it was my college life that I lost hold to.
Imagine waking up not knowing things that happened in your own life.. imagine meeting people telling you they are your friends when in your mind, you don’t even know them... imagine seeing pictures which you don’t know in goodness’ name how these were taken... imagine sleeping days before your high school graduation and waking up with people telling you you’re in college already... imagine praying everything’s just a funny joke, then opening your eyes realizing it’s no joke at all... imagine the memories lost, the happy and even the sad ones... and imagine the feat of searching for the unknown...
I don’t know exactly how thin
gs happened, and why to me of all people. But one thing’s for sure, I do not wish this to happen to anybody. Before, I thought amnesia happens just in movies and teleseryes. Now I can’t believe it’s happening to me.
I wanted to say sorry to everybody whom I’ve hurt because of what happened to me. I never have the littlest intention to give you pain. And to tell you honestly, the pain that I’m feeling right now is bigger, deeper and graver to all of your pains combined together. You don’t have the slightest idea of what’s going on through me now. I’m lost... maybe more than that. I don’t even know how to surpass all these, or if I’ll ever do. Sometimes, I wish of going to some far place where I know no one and no one knows me... or simply vanishing.
To the English Majors, please believe if I say that deep within my heart, I feel that I know you girls and boys. That of all people, I feel I’m most attached to all of you. To Ma’am Vix, that night when you touched my hand and told me you love me, I wanted to say I love you back. You are among the people from whom I take strength from. And I’ll thank you forever for that. To Mj, Aziel, Belle, Dianne, Sarah, Edu and Mike, thank you for staying beside me, helping me in putting back the broken pieces altogether. Thank you because you make me feel loved. Thank you because life is simply better because you’re part of it. And again, sorry for causing you this anguish.
To Tegz and Joan (and the other Educs as well...), thank you too. I feel you’re part of a life that has gone through me. Know that I wanted you all to be a part of a life I’m building now.
To all the people out there, who got affected because of all the series of events, I don’t know how to give you back the love you’ve given me. Thank you anyway. My memory will come back, and when that happens, we could make up for everything. In any case that it will not, maybe we could just start over again, even if it’s hard.
To my family, especially my parents, thank you so much and I love you. I know I couldn’t make through all this without you.
And to God Almighty, I really don’t know why You allowed this to happen to me. But I guess the wisest response to all these is to have faith in You. With lots of love, I trust You. I believe You have a plan for me, I just don’t know what it is for now. What’s sure though, is that it’s for my own best.
I don’t know when these will end, but I’m right now recovering. With all of your prayers, I know I will. Anyway, even if I lost hold of those years, isn't it that "In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years..." :)
